BUT, I must admit that there was one decision I made 22 years ago that was motivated by complete selfishness. 22 years ago, today, I found myself holding a little baby boy I named JP. I had made some very foolish decisions that carried some life-long tough consequences. Abortion was not an option that I would, nor do I believe, I could ever explore. That said, adoption or raising another child on my own were the options I faced. I selfishly chose to keep and raise our beautiful son, JP. I could not do what others may have thought would be best for our family- place him for adoption. I could not bear the pain of loosing him - regardless of whether he and his siblings would have or could have had a better life and future. I was selfish. The day he was born I thought of me and what I needed to do to protect my own heart. I have never, for even one second of my life, regretted that selfish decision nor have I ever experienced any guilt.
JP is the sort who tries to put forth a calloused front. I know he does this because he has had many people take advantage of his natural and genuine generosity and he is now trying to protect himself from others who would try to take advantage. But, when it comes to his family, especially his mom, he is and continues to be selfless. JP is the sort who has complete confidence and a total expectation that his family is, FAMILY. Although he fully knows our family is far from perfect, and even sometimes dysfunctional, he honestly trusts and believes that nothing, absolutely nothing, could possibly ever divide him from his family, including brutal honesty or exaggerations expressed in anger. He fully trusts that no matter what any other family member does or says, that he will always love and accept them as his family. He fully expects to always forgive and to always be forgiven by his family. From my perspective, the unending trust he has in our family is amazing. From a spiritual perspective, it has allowed him to fully trust God. It has been and is his foundation for trusting that God is and will always be with him. It is his foundation for trusting that God is and will always be forgiving towards him. It is the foundation for his eagerly and easily accepting God's complete and total forgiveness. No one will never know the depth that this quality has ministered to my heart and my own relationship with the Lord.
Today is his birthday! I am so glad that I made my selfish decision 22 years ago. Just imagining all the blessings I and our family could have missed had I made any other choice, breaks my heart. JP is and always has been a delight. He is, and always will be, my "baby J". I love him & miss him & pray for him daily.