Friday, February 24, 2012

I Was Selfish

I recently had someone relate some very harsh words to me.  Those words have hurt me deeply and they cut open many unseen scars.  Although I have been leaning on the Lord for my recovery,  I have spoken with our oldest son, AB, and Mr. B, keeping the perpetrator anonymous, about the hurtful words.  Mr.B's and AB's responses were similar.  Both said it is quite obvious that this person does not know me at all, in any way.  My heart was very touched because both went on to tell me that they've watched me live my entire adult life for my family.  They both said that they know, without doubt, that every decision I've ever made was/is made through the motivation of wanting and trying to do whatever was/is best for our children.  My heart was so warmed and touched by the kind words they said.  My heart was astonished by the anger Mr.B expressed when finding that someone would ever say such harsh and, from his perspective, untrue things to me or about me.  (I have not shared the incident with JP, because I expect that JP's reaction to this situation would be very negative.  JP holds me very dear to his heart and is the sort who may personally find fault in me, but other people are not allowed.)

BUT, I must admit that there was one decision I made 22 years ago that was motivated by complete selfishness.  22 years ago, today, I found myself holding a little baby boy I named JP.  I had made some very foolish decisions that carried some life-long tough consequences.  Abortion was not an option that I would, nor do I believe, I could ever explore.  That said, adoption or raising another child on my own were the options I faced.  I selfishly chose to keep and raise our beautiful son, JP.  I could not do what others may have thought would be best for our family- place him for adoption.  I could not bear the pain of loosing him - regardless of whether he and his siblings would have or could have had a better life and future.  I was selfish.  The day he was born I thought of me and what I needed to do to protect my own heart.  I have never, for even one second of my life, regretted that selfish decision nor have I ever experienced any guilt. 

JP is the sort who tries to put forth a calloused front.  I know he does this because he has had many people take advantage of his natural and genuine generosity and he is now trying to protect himself from others who would try to take advantage.  But, when it comes to his family, especially his mom, he is and continues to be selfless.  JP is the sort who has complete confidence and a total expectation that his family is, FAMILY.  Although he fully knows our family is far from perfect, and even sometimes dysfunctional, he honestly trusts and believes that nothing, absolutely nothing, could possibly ever divide him from his family, including brutal honesty or exaggerations expressed in anger.  He fully trusts that no matter what any other family member does or says, that he will always love and accept them as his family.  He fully expects to always forgive and to always be forgiven by his family.  From my perspective, the unending trust he has in our family is amazing.   From a spiritual perspective, it has allowed him to fully trust God.  It has been and is his foundation for trusting that God is and will always be with him.  It is his foundation for trusting that God is and will always be forgiving towards him.  It is the foundation for his eagerly and easily accepting God's complete and total forgiveness.  No one will never know the depth that this quality has ministered to my heart and my own relationship with the Lord.

Today is his birthday!  I am so glad that I made my selfish decision 22 years ago.  Just imagining all the blessings I and our family could have missed had I made any other choice, breaks my heart.  JP is and always has been a delight.  He is, and always will be, my "baby J".  I love him & miss him & pray for him daily.

1 comment:

  1. Happy Birthday to your beautiful boy,and you know Mum is better than any hardship,all those wonderful people who raise other peoples children do a great job but the child always hankers for the birth Mum,just human nature and you saved your boy from those feelings,that was the greatest gift of all.I also have had the other experience and the pain is very dep from hurtful words,it dulls but never quite seems to go away.


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